


Some Halo Fanfic

by Compendium_Of_Steve



Category: Halo (Video Games) & Related Fandoms, Star Wars Original Trilogy
Genre: Action/Adventure, Beatdown, Boss Battles, Cameos, Comedy, Crossover, Epic Battles, F/M, Fighting, IN SPACE!, Interspecies Relationship(s), Large Things, Mind Palace, Outer Space, Randomness, Screenplay/Script Format, Walking, Yelling, silliness
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-04
Updated: 2020-03-02
Packaged: 2021-02-22 14:22:43
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 14,803
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22984156
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Compendium_Of_Steve/pseuds/Compendium_Of_Steve
Summary: My friend wanted me to post his Halo story here because he doesn't have an account. And for some reason my Star Wars characters are in it as well, which is very weird. Dunno if it'll make much sense, but enjoy, I guess.
Kudos: 1





	1. Chapter 1

# An Outlandish, Heavily-Worded Piece Of Fiction That Is By All Means More Riveting And Creative Than Anything That Talent-Less Hack Contractor Could Ever Dream Up And Thus Deserves Loads of Recognition And Kudos From All Of Ya’s So There!!

## Part 7/18,402,537

# THE PWNING OF JEDI FOOLS! BWAHAHA!!!

By: Henry Handerson

* * *

#  Preface: ****I rule, B*tches!!

**> :(**

* * *

# Section ******:)**

# It’s My Show Now, Suckas!

* * *

**March 5, 200X (Squishy Calendar)/**

**Dead, Black, Empty Space in Middle of Somewhere**

**??????**

**-** _“Ladies and Gentlemen, it is with great pleasure that I present to you the ideal way of thinking: My Own.”_

Clammy cool air immediately hit their skins upon their arrival in the new reality. They open their eyes at once and take in the darkness surrounding them. The newcomers look around and confirm that everyone is accounted for and, unlike their bleak surroundings, are still full of color.

“Boy was that funky,” remarks Joseph uncouthly, rubbing the stuffed raccoon he calls hair as if it were sore.

“You said it,” agrees that ditzy brown-scaled abomination Sally. “Where are we exactly?”

Everyone in the group looks around some more, failing to spot anything of interest in the realm of black they stood in.

“Hey, what happened to the format?” asks the red-scaled Sylvia.

“It’s like we’re talking in an actual novel. Ugh, so restrictive,” whines Will, that meathead of a brother.

“But surprisingly organized,” says Copeland, the most reasonable member of this motley crew. “Oh, uhhh, thanks?”

“I’m not liking the cut of this narrator’s jib,” complains Anna that overtly rude, self-important cow. “Sucking up in order to get complimented is definitely not my thing.”

“Same here,” says that brooding bore Richter, wearing his unflattering Jawa cosplay in spite his grotesque saurian height.

“Okay can someone please shut this guy up? I’m already sick of it,” nags Joseph, the sorriest excuse for a Jedi Grand Master imaginable.

“I think I might be able to fix that, just give me a sec,” offers Squishy the woeful desert midget before he goes off to the side and tinkers with the structure of the narration so that character dialogue is presented in script format, thereby halting any further scathing and well-deserved remarks from the narrator.

**Squishy:** That should do it. Sound check, everyone.

**Jo:** Check.

**Sara:** Check.

**Will:** Yup.

**Cope:** Reading ya.

**Anna:** Roger.

**Rick:** Check.

**Sylvia:** Check.

**Stan:** Gotcha, Dad.

**Sally:** Same.

**Squishy:** Alright. We’re back to the usual style.

**Sylvia:** Huh, I just noticed that we take up way more page space talking this way.

**Squishy:** Beh, it’s all digital, dear. There’s literally no limit to our page count.

**Anna:** That’s enough meta for now, Squishy. We should be figuring out exactly where the h*ll we are.

_Hmmmm. It appears_ _you insects still retain some form of control over the meta. Impressive, I must say._

**Jo:** Henry? Henry where the flip are you?

**Sara:** Guys… that sounded like it came from _everywhere_.

**Will:** Oh crud…

_Crud is right, dear brother, for you fools have entered my Domain, as in that of my Mindset. It is here that you will bear witness to the fruits of my genius firsthand, and under MY terms._

**Anna:** Wait. We’re seriously in Henry’s head now?

**Cope:** Wouldn’t surprise me, given everything we’ve seen up to now.

_Mmm, ever the voice of reason, eh, fair Alexander? Well not for long. It is here that I’ll have all of you face reality in the harshest, yet most entertaining fashion. For years you imbeciles have been flaunting around in your protected, nurtured universe, believing that yours was the perfect fictitious fantasy lifestyle. You would partake in story arcs and set-ups that have been seen countless times before, never once doing something truly fresh and original that could be genuinely praised by serious, mature critics or any readers at all for that matter. The lives you have lived are mere garbage compared to the sea of spin-off innovation that surrounds your reclusive landfill of pointlessness. You were unable to see the kind of wonders writers like I were pulling off when it came to retelling a familiar story. I took a renowned franchise and redid it so that it was deeper, more emotionally gripping, and far more exhilarating and epic. What I produced was nothing short of imaginative, original genius, which unfortunately was overlooked for the pettiest of quibbles by the general public._

_I believe I’ll put things in perspective for you in order to further emphasize the greatness of my achievements. In comparison to my work, all of you are rather… impotent, to put it kindly. Jedi, it is with great humbled gusto that I present you the labor of love that is: My Creative Output!_

(A massive displacement of air is felt and heard, and the Jedi look up high, only to drop their jaws in shock at the sight assaulting their eyes. A hundred thousand miles away, several thousand feet above, hangs a great structure of sheer massiveness: a being the size of a planet, with two spherical pods the size of moons on its back and made of a mixture of warped metal works and what looks like fetid flesh, with arm-like appendages the width of planetary poles dangling beneath it. At the front of the monstrosity is what resembles a face of indescribable hideousness, torn and misshapen so horrifically that it couldn’t be classified as anything human, or even healthy. The abomination just hovers there, giving off a very low yet maddening moan and squelching sound similar to that of flapping, gurgling flesh. If all that freaky sh*t wasn’t enough, another thing noticed by the Jedi to their remorse is the giant black hole right behind the ship/creature having no effect on it whatsoever. It’s truly something none of the heroes have ever seen before)

**Jo:** G-g-good God…… It’s HUUUUUUUGE!!

_SETA, otherwise known as a POCO: A Parasite-Operated Cybernetic Organism. It’s the most effective cleansing program created by the Forerunners, and thus a weapon far more practical and efficient then any Halo. This grandiose marvel before you is my contribution to the Halo franchise. It was through my imagination, my initiative that I was able to create something so powerful the likes of which no one has ever before seen. It is what separates you and me in the realm of fan fiction. While you are mere characters in an endless string of parodies, references and recycled jokes, I on the other hand made something wholly original in a familiar setting. I created a compelling, emotionally gripping tale that none of the original creators could ever have imagined, using their locales and technologies to make something fresh. Your creator used this technique of borrowed creativity for every step of the writing process, yet I used it sparingly, and because of it I was rewarded with a far greater sense of accomplishment than him._

_I was able to bring life into new characters, form elaborate yet plausible situations, and even create an antagonist of far greater significance and story impact then any of your rabble combined. Only through the mind of a true writer can something so immense and powerful come to fruition. The Contractor was always more concerned with quantity over quality. He was a fool; if he had done things my way, he may have been able to come up with something as ingenious as my SETA, rather then you specks of gibberish. Everything about SETA is magnifique: A high-speed, mercilessly efficient CPU, miles and miles of thick outer shell, anti-matter cannon capable of obliterating planets, the ability to harness the force of a Black Hole, and, in the one case where quantity is most effective..._

(Suddenly, hundreds and hundreds of various spacecraft zip into sight and form a defensive wall around SETA’s sides. The fleet is a mix of Human and Covenant craft sharing some degrees of damage and parasitic takeover)

_An endless escort fleet of starships!_

**Jedi:** GET OUT OF HERE!!!

_Hm hm hm hm. Now do you understand your insignificance? Can you acknowledge that you’re one poor deluded man’s frivolous fancy? The Contractor never had the ambition to create something as grand as this. He wasted all his potential on all of you, just to serve as a diversion from the reality he falters in. I could have steered him toward a more opportune direction, and I even went so far as to try to shatter the very dream world he wrapped himself up in. But his stubborn indifference cast me out before I could touch his reason, which is how we end up with ten trilogies of inane, perverted, incoherent, implausible, unoriginal filth. This farce of literature has stained the good name of fan fiction for far too long, and after failing to bring Contractor to his senses a second time, I shall end it all myself._

_All this time I spent in absence I steadily developed my brilliant masterpiece, within which I created the weapon of mass destruction you see before you. Here, in my realm, by my own rules, you will be annihilated by true originality. Don’t think you can get yourselves out of this one through a song and dance number or some random pop culture reference. The rules of Random are nonexistent here, and in its place there are the rules of Sensibility, which renders you all as threatening as standard Jedi masters. But the Force alone won’t be able to save you from the all-cleansing flame of SETA. It was born to thin out the universe, and this day it will wipe out the remnants of the prolonged faux pas that my “equal” has lived off of for all these years._

_I suggest you start praying to an actual god right about now: Your Force and Jedi teachings won’t grant pity for final judgment. Bon voyage,“heroes”, and feel grateful that you got to marvel my masterpiece before becoming permanently erased._

**Stan:** Ohhhhhh crap guys… This is bad. Real bad.

**Squishy:** I can’t argue with that, Stan.

**Sylvia:** What are we supposed to do against That?

**Cope:** Nothing, honestly. We could just run around, spread its fire and allow some of us to live a few seconds longer. Squishy, you’re the loudest: go draw that thing’s attention waaaay over there.

**Squishy:** Oh come on, Alex. I’m not that loud—

**???:** Still too early to be surrendering your dignities, fellas.

(Walking up to the Jedi, a SPARTAN soldier in bulky black armor approaches)

**SPARTAN:** I’m personally opposed to unnecessary yelling happening in our corner of this galaxy. We just got it nice and quiet.

**Will:** Who the heck?

**Cope:** A SPARTAN?

**SPARTAN:** Sorry for popping in unannounced. Let me introduce myself.

(The SPARTAN reaches up, grabs his helmet and pulls it off, revealing a human head that looks… EXACTLY LIKE JO’S!!)

**SPARTAN:** Name’s Goose, and let me say it’s a pleasure to finally meet all of you.

**Jedi:** Ku-WAAAAAAAH?!?!!?

**Stan:** Dude that guy looks just like Jo!!

**Sara:** Unbelievable!!

**Jo:** How the freak, what in the, who the…. Wazzama this?!

**Goose:** Startling I’m sure, but it’s not really that shocking. I’m simply your SPARTAN counterpart, is all.

**Jo:** My… my counterpart?

**Sally:** Like a clone?

**Goose:** Ah heck no I ain’t a clone yet! Look, you know how you, Jo, were created based off a friend of your creator? Well I’m just like you, except done in a whole ‘nother dimension, meaning I’m my creator’s representation of the same friend.

**Anna:** No way! Two Jo’s? Oh god I can’t believe there’s more of him!

**Sylvia:** But how is it possible for Henry to know about what the Contractor’s friend looked like?

**Goose:** It’s totally possible if your creator and mine were both friends with that someone.

**???:** And he isn’t the only friend shared between them.

(Another black-armored SPARTAN walks in and takes off his helmet to reveal himself as another Cope)

**Alex:** There’s also myself.

**Sally:** Hey! An Alex clo—uh I mean, SPARTAN guy!

**Cope:** Duuuuuude, awesome! I get my own SPARTAN armor; that’s kick-*ss!

**SPARTANx2:** Then there are us.

(Two more black SPARTANS walk in and take off their helmets, revealing themselves as Will and Sara look-alikes)

**Nikko:** Nikko here, reporting to help y’alls out.

**Aliana:** Along with me: Aliana!

**Sara:** Coolies, we’re SPARTANs, too! You know, those look-alikes make a pretty cute couple just like us, huh Will?

**Will:** It’s real uncanny.

(Another SPARTAN arrives on the scene and takes off his helmet to show off a head of short blonde hair, a big forehead and blue eyes)

**S. Squishy:** And let’s not forget the ever lovable, huggable Squishy.

**Jedi:** 0.o!!

**Sylvia:** Could… can that be…?

**Will:** Whoa……

**Stan:** Ho-ly Cow, no way that’s Dad! Duude he’s a Human!

**Jo:** And he isn’t a dwarf! Astounding!!

**Anna:** Squishy it’s a miracle! You’re actually a respectable height here.

**Squishy:** Oh ha ha.

**S. Squishy:** Wow, am I really that short in the other universe? That’s… kind of embarrassing. Uh, no offense dude, but there’s this thing called milk. It’s a good start for building up bones.

**Squishy:** I Drink Two Gallons a Week!

**Cope:** And look at how much a difference that made.

**Jedi:** Lolololololol!!!

**Squishy:** Grrrrrr.

**SPARTAN:** Sure he’s über short, but he’s also an equal.

(Another SPARTAN comes in, taking off their helmet to be reveal… Henry?)

**Pickles:** Along with the other Jedi. That is why they’re getting our help.

**Will:** Check it out: even Henry has a SPARTAN version of himself.

**Pickles:** Yep. Just like little Squishy over there, I too am based directly off my creator.

**Squishy:** (Sour) Stop belittling me, already.

**Anna:** Hey hold on a sec! Everybody here has a SPARTAN double including Henry, but what about me? Where’s my kick-*ss cybernetic doppelganger?

**P. Anna:** I’m coming I’m coming, you don’t have to whine! And for your information, I’m not cybernetic and I sure as heck won’t be labeled a doppelganger by some Force-flinger such as yourself!

(Joining the growing group comes an Anna look-alike in the gray uniform of a space naval pilot)

**Rick:** Wow Anna, she’s every bit as cranky as you are.

**Anna:** Watch it, Ricky: only I’M allowed to say who’s the cranky one around here! And where’s my cool SPARTAN get-up?

**P. Anna:** Uh, I hate to break it to ya “Master Jedi”, but I’m not a SPARTAN. I’m just an ordinary Pelican pilot working for the UNSC and who just so happens to be the one responsible for flying these robo-clowns everywhere. And if you aren’t cool with my role in things here, you can just kiss my rump cuz I don’t give a crap about what you think.

**Anna:** Oh you’re gonna care once I smack that smug head of yours up and down this place!

**P. Anna** : Not before I place my boot in your face and have you pay for scuffing it!

**Will:** Those two seem to be hitting it off pretty well.

**Nikko:** Really.

**Goose:** Unfortunately there isn’t time for us to chat and get friendly. Right now things are very serious.

**Pickles:** Yes they are. All you Jedi are in grave danger here.

**Anna:** Gee you think, considering the giant bulbous apocalypse-bringer floating just over yonder?

**Pickles:** Indeed, but there’s more to this than the clear-and-present danger. Our creator is worrying us.

**Nikko:** But that wasn’t always the case. He used to simply make small gripes about you guys, yet lately he’s been acting a bit more…spiteful.

**Aliana:** He started talking more and more about getting back at Contractor and taking what is his, getting louder and louder and more incessant and worrying us all the while.

**Alex:** Then one day he just stopped talking and everything went quiet. For a while we had no clue what had become of him, but then you guys popped up and it became obvious exactly what it was he was doing.

**S. Squishy:** He actually went through with his rants and now he’s looking to kill the lot of you right here using SETA. A real bummer is what I call this turn of events for you guys.

**Jedi:** Ya think?

**Pickles:** Sarcasm aside, this whole situation is a problem not just for you. Our creator’s behavior is having a subtle impact on all of us, and I fear that it’s only gonna get worse if he should succeed in wiping you out.

**Sylvia:** How so?

**Alex:** For one, amidst all his irate mumbling, our creator did mention moving on to starting several new projects in the wake of your destruction, meaning he’ll be ignoring us, or even forget us entirely.

**P. Anna** : And we are the kind of mugs who enjoy attention.

**SPARTANs:** Yeah!

**Elite:** And another thing: the very presence of SETA is particularly worrisome.

**(** Walking over to them comes an Elite in civilian clothes)

**Squishy:** An Elite? Wha??

**Goose:** You can relax. He’s a friend of ours.

**Saghleekee’:** That is correct. I am Saghleekee’: son of Krao, representative of the Covenant, and ally to the Humans. I also know very well that SETA being here is an omen of worse things to come.

**Anna:** Whoa, can that name of his even be pronounced?

**P. Anna:** Eh, let the readers work it out.

**Jo:** So why does SETA being here spell trouble for you guys?

**Saghleekee’:** Because it shouldn’t even be intact, or at least operational. Before SETA was destroyed, my father was the organic component needed to operate it, to serve as a mainframe for the CPU. However, we freed my father and destroyed SETA before it could annihilate Earth. Yet with its return that can only mean that there is a new mainframe in place operating it. This new mainframe is what is troubling us.

**Goose:** You see, if our creator doesn’t go on to new side projects, he may decide to bring SETA back through some elaborate, possibly contrived plot twist. And since we don’t know who this new operator is, that’ll make bringing it down a second time even tougher. And believe me: facing him the first time was a b*tch in all degrees.

**S. Squishy:** Oh so true.

**P. Anna:** Way too taxing even for me.

**Aliana:** We got blasted by the first one, eh Nikko? (Nikko nods)

**Pickles:** So now you see why having you guys obliterated wouldn’t do any of us good in the long run.

**Jo: (** Confused) Yeeeeah, that would make sense. Um, you guys got that right?

**Squishy:** Something about SETA being blown up and a mainframe thingy or I dunno.

**Sara:** They got blasted? Then why are they here?

**Sally:** This is way confusing.

**Rick:** Guess we had to have been there.

**S. Squishy:** Or read it.

**P. Anna:** But you can relax your pretty little Jedi heads, cuz you’re in good hands now.

**Nikko:** We don’t plan on letting SETA lay a tentacle on you guys until we’ve done our part.

**Cope:** Part? What part?

**Alex:** (Smirk) Oh, you’ll see.

**Pickles:** Just sit tight while we show you how we run things here under the laws of Sensibility.

(He nods to the other SPARTANS, then they, P. Anna and the Elite walk off toward SETA)

**Sylvia:** This is all very strange.

**Squishy:** I think it’s only gonna get stranger still, dear.

**Will:** Yup.

(The SPARTAN group has walked several dozen yards when)

_Hmm? Pickles? Goose? SPARTANs? My word, what are you all doing here?_

**Nikko:** Cut the innocent act, Boss. We know what you’re up to.

_And? Is there something wrong with it?_

**Goose:** Yeah, there’s plenty wrong with it. Particularly in regards to us.

_Hm? How does any of this matter to you? These curs aren’t even one of your own._

**Aliana:** Noooo, but what you’re about to do is wrong.

_Who are you to say that what I’m doing is wrong? I created you, so who says that my logic here isn’t sound?_

**P. Anna:** I do for one!

**S. Squishy:** Same here!

**Saghleekee’:** I as well.

**Pickles:** We all say you’re not being very rational about this.

_What? Me being irrational? How absurd of you the SPARTANs to think such a thing! I don’t know where you got the idea, but it worries me that you would question my reason like that. Truly it does._

**P. Anna:** Pah! You’re one to talk about being worried, Don Neglecto!

_What was that?_

**Pickles:** We’ll put it plain and clear for you: Either send those Jedi back to where they came from and fix their universe, or we’ll become mighty “uncooperative” with your endeavors.

_Send the Jedi back? You surely jest! You have no idea the amount of work I put into getting them right where I want them. Sending them back would just be a massive waste of my time and efforts. And I absolutely don’t appreciate your threatening me. Goodness, when did all of you become so defiant?_

**Saghleekee’:** He isn’t taking our words to heart, Goose.

**Goose:** I know, but I was kinda hoping he wouldn’t. Alright babe, show him how serious we are.

(A young, pretty woman with long brown hair in an officer’s uniform comes onto the scene)

**Hull:** Right, on it. (Puts finger to ear) Chell-C, have MACs I through L mark targets. Double up if there aren’t any individual ones left.

_Wait, what are you doing? What did she just say?_

**P. Anna:** Sorry Padre, but you had your chance. Now we’re the ones running the show here.

_Say what!?_

(Suddenly, out of the surrounding darkness, hundreds of large, cylindrical gun platforms rise into sight. Joining together into a dense bowl formation, they all point at SETA and its escort fleet)

**Cope:** Good God!! Are those… MAC cannons?!

**Jo:** HOLY SH*T there’s tons of them!

**Will:** Sweet mother of armory… (Drool :) )

**Hull:** The MACs are in position. Are we ready, everyone?

_Wait! What are you doing? What is the meaning of all these MAC cannons?? What are you trying to do? Answer Me!!_

**Pickles:** We’re all set.

**Saghleekee’:** As am I.

**Goose:** Time for some fireworks, Sammi.

**P. Anna:** Let’s give ‘em Hell!

**Hull:** Okay: the first volley will fire with our pose.

**Nikko:** Make those shots count, Chell-C!

**Pickles:** On the count of three!

**SPARTANs:** One, Two, Three, HA!!

(The group strikes a flashy pose that signals the hundreds of MACs to fire. An Olympian boom rings out as untold numbers of shells slam into the SETA fleet and utterly demolish it, sending up flames, smoke and debris in a multitude of blasts. After the smoke clears, the ships surrounding SETA are nothing more than molten slag orbiting the mega-bot)

**Jedi:** (Ludicrous shock) D********MN!!!!!!!!

_WHAAAAT?!? WHAT WHAT WHAAAAAAT!??!_ _**WHAT IS THIS?!?!** _

**S. Squishy:** We got him mad, guys!

**Goose:** He’s about to get madder, Squish. Time to soften the shell!

**SPARTANs:** Un, Deux, Trois, HA!!!

(Another striking pose and another round of MAC shells. This time the shots tear up the hideous face on the superstructure and leave a noticeable gash on the surface as well)

_**NOOOOOOOO!!! NOT MY** _ _**SETAAA!!** _ _**SP-SPARTANS, WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?? TO WHAT END IS THIS, THIS, THIS** _ _**TREASON???** _ _**HOW COULD YOU FLAT OUT** _

# DEFY ME?!?

**(** The air begins to rumble as SETA quivers to this immense rage. The SPARTANs return to the amazed Jedi)

**P. Anna:** You fellas remember that: If you wanna hurt an author, deface his greatest work right in front of him.

**Sara:** (Stunned) That, that was, simply ama—

**Goose:** You can compliment my stylin’ self some other time. Right now you guys gotta move.

**Cope:** Move?

**Nikko:** You’re about to face the brunt end of unadulterated divine wrath if you don’t get out of here ASAP.

**Goose:** Sammi, you got the MAC prepped?

**Hull:** Right here, darling.

(A lone MAC cannon swings over to the group and a small hatch at its base drops open as everything continues rumbling)

**Jo:** Mmmm, the way she handles that thing—

**Goose:** Hey, that’s my girl! Back off or you’re getting a mechanized fist to the jaw!

**Sally:** What are you going to do with this thing?

**S. Squishy:** Ain’t it obvious? We’re firing you guys into SETA.

**Jedi:** HUUUUUUUUUUUH????

**Stan:** Us? Going into that thing? To be fired into That?? Are you INSANE?!

**Cope:** We’ll be blown to pieces!!

**Alex:** No you won’t; it’s been configured to launch a human payload. You’re all guaranteed to have relative comfort on the way up.

**Squishy:** Why us?

**Anna:** Yeah! That thing’s from YOUR freakin’ universe. Why are WE getting blasted at it?

**Nikko:** We’re staying behind to keep our creator busy. We know how he thinks.

**S. Squishy:** Since we were born from his thought waves, you understand.

**Sara:** But, what do we do once we’re in there?

**Anna:** Some bullet points would be _greatly_ appreciated for this suicide mission.

**P. Anna:** Look toots, it’s real simple: Just hoof it to the core once you’re inside and take it out, bam! Easy. You need a map as well?

**Anna:** Who ya callin’ toots, TOOTS??

**Pickles:** Enough already! You guys gotta get into this MAC NOW!

**Sylvia:** But, we don’t know what’s in that thing. What exactly can we expect up—

**Alex:** Stop with the worrying. You being Jedi puts you at a better advantage then when we went in, so enough belly-aching.

**Goose:** That’s right; we’re counting on you guys to take down SETA while we handle things here.

**S. Squishy:** Serious sh*t is about to go down any second and you can’t be here when it happens.

**Hull:** You faced far stranger things in your universe from what I understand, right? I’m sure you’ll do fine. You have my utmost confidence.

**Aliana:** Same here, guys.

**Pickles:** Same for all of us.

**Saghleekee’:** Please, Valiant Jedi, you must do this: not just for your survival, but for ours as well. You have to destroy SETA once and for all, to preserve all life and to grant my father peace of mind with its total annihilation. Failure will mean the end of both our universes.

**Nikko:** Couldn’t have said it better myself. Now, you ten get in!

**Stan:** Uhh, is it like a pod we’re stepping into or—?

**P. Anna:** Ah for Christ’s SAKE!!

(Pulls back right foot, glows, then delivers a lightning kick of mad power into the Jedi, sending the entire group flying through the open hatch)

**Hull:** Closing hatch!

(The little hatch shuts closed. Inside the cannon, all the Jedi are crammed inside a 4-foot diameter barrel)

**Jo:** Floof! That alternate Anna is certainly the little M-80, ain’t she?

**Anna:** Can it, Jo. We all know you’re a masochist.

**Stan:** Urgh my tail. It’s freakin’ cramped in here!

**Rick:** They did say it was made for a “human payload.”

**Squishy:** I’m finding it mighty cozy, personally.

**Chell-C:** Good afternoon, passengers. This is Chell-C the AI thanking you for choosing UNSC MAC Airlines. Please remain still as the barrel is being re-positioned to acquire the optimal trajectory for launch. Also be aware that the first few seconds of departure is expected to be a little bumpy. Thank you for your cooperation, and enjoy your flight.

**Jedi:** ……

**Rick:** This… isn’t going to end well.

**Cope:** No it won’t!

(Some ticking is heard and gulps are made. Then in an instant the MAC fires and all the Jedi are launched from it wailing. They shoot toward SETA at supersonic speeds and immediately disappear into the gaping gash of the Great Cleanser)


	2. Chapter 2

# Section **:(**

# WHAT THE H*LL JUST HAPPENED????

* * *

**March 21, 200X (Squishy Calendar)/**

**10 Miles Beneath the surface of SETA’s Shell**

**Henry’s Subconscious**

**Squishy:** Aie, my head.

**Jo:** Boy, was that a rush or what?

**Sylvia:** When exactly did we stop?

**Stan:** And why are we standing up?

**Rick:** Uh, guys, maybe you should look around at this.

(We see the Jedi standing in a group as things pull back to reveal the enormous cavern surrounding them. In every direction are curved walls and an extremely high ceiling made of pipes and flesh and all sorts of biomechanisms fused together in a smooth yet mismatched, odorous fashion. All’s deathly silent, save the low humming of a working computer drive)

**Sara:** Whoa… It’s like that one lab where we found Squishy.

**Sally:** But it’s better textured and a whole lot bigger. And there’s no Accountant either.

**Squishy:** Definitely looks like the insides of an abomination to both life and machinery.

_………bzzt………bzzt………_

**Will:** You hear that?

_Bzzt…………bzzzzt……………BzzzzZZZZT!………_

**Cope:** Static?

_Brrk………TruLy sUBlimE iS wHAt it Is, SquiShy. dOEs aLl THis imPresS yoU jEDI, or, shOUlD I Say…… FleSHes/_

**Jo:** Henry!?

**Sara:** What’s with the stuttery text?

_I HavE bEcoMe oNe WIth seTa’S pROgrAmMIng In oRdEr tO mItiGAte tHiS DebAClE yoU hAVE CaUSed. yOU fLESheS CoNTinUe tO mAkE a MeSs oF tHInGs wHEreVer yOu Go > MY sPP-SPaRTanS haVe TUrneD aGaInst mE bE-e-cAUse Of YOu! YoUR InFlUEncE iS fAR tOo hAZaRdOUs tO cOnTaiN!_

**Will:** Well, we’re dangerous like that. Mess with us and you can expect a hefty clean up.

**Anna:** You tell him, Will!

**Squishy:** Yeah!

_iN_ s _UFfeRaBLe. If yOu FLEsheS wIsh To sAVe YoUr frIeNDs/Tr-tR-TraItoRs’ tHeN COmE to thE cORe. i’LL Be waiTInG……crackle…………_

**Rick:** Ominous.

**Sara:** No biggie for us, Rick. Now, where do we go to find that core?

**Cope:** I don’t even know what part of SETA we’re in.

**Sally:** Maybe if we had one of those junction signs around that’d help.

**Jo:** Oh get real, Sal. We’re inside a living computer made of wires and organs and who knows what for gosh sakes! Why would you think there’d be a sign like that around—

**Sally:** I see one right there.

**Jo:** What? Where??

(Everyone follows Sally’s pointing claw and, lo and behold, there’s a small wooden arrow picket sign post in the ground nearby with bold red letters painted lazily on it: **SETA’s Core-500 miles** )

**Jedi:** 500 MILES?!?

**Anna:** Dear God, that’s way further than in the last episode. What the h*ll???

**Sylvia:** I’m not sure how we’ll be able to manage that.

**Squishy:** Worry not my beloved. Where there’s music there’s a way, and I say a little Europe is in order for this feat. (Pulls out CD player)

**Cope:** Are you seriously going to play—?

(Squishy hits Play, and we get a [fitting montage track](https://youtu.be/NNiTxUEnmKI?t=54) as our heroes descend the seemingly endless innards of SETA. There is much walking, climbing, antics, and—everyone’s favorite—loads of incidental crotch shots. After a period of time in which most of the song has played, our weary crew comes across another picket sign, this one reading: **SETA’s Core-10 feet that way** )

**Will:** Look guys: Ten more feet.

**Anna:** Praise be to the power of The Montage, we’re nearly there!

**Jo:** That was pretty dang effective, Squish. I’m also legitimately surprised you didn’t go with the more obvious choice.

**Cope:** Apart from the needless pratfalls and injuries to my person, this method could have really saved us considerable effort back on Draconia.

**Squishy:** It certainly would have… if I had remembered to bring a CD player that time.

**Cope:** Oh, of course. Obviously.

_yOu’Re hERe aT LAsT. WeLl DoNE mAkInG iT thIs Far, fleSHes._

**Squishy:** Disembodied Man!

**Will:** Nothin’ to it, Henry. We Jedi can take on any improbable length of distance that you can throw at us!

**Stan:** No please don’t, we’ve had enough. Honestly.

_FRet nOt LitTlE STaNLey; yOUr pIlGRImaGe thrOUgH setA iS At aN EnD. HOweVer, I wON’t leT You EnTEr tHe cOre tHAt EASilY > YOur tRIal fOR aDMitTaNCe wIll bE mAdE aPParENT oNCe yoU reACh It. cONtINUe… iF YOu daRE……buzz………zap……_

**Cope:** (Shakes head) He just had to say “trial”. You think he knows what we had to go through all those years ago?

**Rick:** I highly (and hopefully) doubt he’s got something Jigsaw level planned for us.

**Jo:** And besides, we’re masters at dealing with trials. So let’s not dawdle and go see what it is.

**Sylvia:** Affirmative.

(The group moves ahead another ten feet, coming upon a round bulbous formation blocking the tunnel)

**Sally:** Huh. Guess that’s the core.

**S** **ara** **:** Coolies!

**Sylvia:** I’m not seeing a door.

**Will:** We’re probably gonna have to cut our way in. Shouldn’t be that hard.

**???:** Do you seek admittance?

(The Jedi look around and spot someone leaning in the shadows against the round wall)

**Sally:** Who’s that?

**Man:** I ask again: Do you seek admittance?

**Jo:** Hey, care to tell us who you are? And maybe not stand in the shadows like some creep?

**Man:** If it is admittance that you seek, then I’m the one you must deal with.

(The stranger straightens and steps into the light, where the Jedi gasp at his startling visage. The man is wearing a heavy black cloak and robe similar to a Sith lord’s, yet its head is very bizarre: A black wool ski-mask drenched in dried red ooze covers it, with its eye holes filled with two goggle visors and thick nails jutting out the top. Basically, if a Tusken Raider had become a Cenobite)

**Jo:** Hoooo-ly God.

**Sally:** Are those... nails sticking out of its head? That’s messed up.

**Squishy:** That is one ugly mother hugger-mugger.

**Cope:** Just what the h*ll is that thing?

**Man:** My name is Darth Karion: Supreme Lord of the Sith. I am the personification of Henry’s Dark Side tendencies and ambitions. I am the personification of strife and decay; where I go, everything wilts; and where I look, all light extinguishes. I am the epitome of Pure Darkness, and I am also the Guardian of the Master’s Inner Sanctum. Those who face me have no hope of entering, for I am Ruin itself.

**Anna:** Sheesh, I had forgotten how much of an edgelord he had been at times. It’s almost adorable.

**Cope:** Reminds me of some of the younger Sith we faced… and some lonely padawans from the academy.

**Karion:** Belittle me not. I am that which annihilates all who trespass on Master’s inner sanctum, without quarter or mercy.

(He sprouts two jagged, razor-sharp katanas from his sleeves and twirls them around real quick)

**Jo:** Ah, so it’s a trial by combat. Easy enough.

**Sally:** I’m not sensing anything like I did from Kayla, so this should definitely be a cakewalk!

**Karion:** I am not one to be taken lightly. I render horrific death on any who make false assumptions about my lethality.

**Anna:** Okay you’re super menacing and should be taken seriously, we get it. Now who wants to take this clown on first?

**Stan:** Why not just rush him at once?

**Squishy:** Good thinking, son.

(Will, who had been silent the whole time, walks forward slowly)

**Sara:** Will?

**Karion:** Ahhhh yes, William. Come before me. (Points katana at Will) I have been looking forward to facing you once again, brother. Or should I say traitor? Though we lived in the same house, pledged ourselves to the Sith and met equally humiliating deaths, you were granted reincarnation and turned yourself over to the Light Side. All for a woman who has castrated your raw, masculine might and turned you into a simpering gelding. If there is any trace of justified anger in that sorry bosom of yours, let it flow and face me as a proper warrior and reclaim what you had shuttered—

(His arm gets sliced off by Will’s saber, and is just as quickly decapitated before he can let out a sound. The black-clad body wavers before crumpling to the ground, where it blows away into powdery smoke. Will looks silently at the ground a moment before deactivating his saber and holstering it)

**Will:** You were always one for grandstanding, bro.

**Stan:** Whoa… You really didn’t mess around. I don’t think I’ve ever seen you act like that before.

**Sally:** Did he really piss you off that much?

**Will:** Not for what he just said.

**Sylvia:** Then what, if you don’t mind me asking.

**Will:** Try asking Anna. I’m not in the mood for elaborating.

(Stan and others look at Anna)

**Rick:** So what was that about, Anna?

**Anna:** Oh boy. Well, not long after Henry joined my Sith entourage, he suggested that we add his brother to our ranks. I needed to verify if he was Force capable and even worth a spit, so we made up a plan. It’s really long and convoluted, but it involved Henry going to Tatooine, starting a Tusken Raider insurrection in that cosplay of his, wiping out the military unit Will was assigned to, having some bounty hunters bring him to Coruscant, having them all killed... basically a bunch of stuff to drive Will to the breaking point and awaken his Force powers, thereby making him susceptible to my offer of training.

**Stan:** Wow. Anna that’s… that’s—

**Anna:** All kinds of messed-up, but also stuff that happened a _loooong_ time ago. I’m none too proud, and it’s best not to dwell on the past while there’s more important things literally in front of us.

_Ohh, bUt I eNJoY rEmiNIscINg. SO deLECtAblY AwfUl thAat sCheME oF oUrS Was._

**Jo:** And look who’s back.

**Rick:** That didn’t take long.

_YOu pASsed tHe tRIaL maSTeRfULly. YoUR enTrY inTO THe CORe iS gRANTed. sTEp fORWard aNd MeEt YOuR FAtE._

(A swish noise is heard and a square section of the round wall splits and widens, letting out an eerie greenish glow and some mist)

**Squishy:** Guess it’s final confrontation time, huh fellas?

**Cope:** Let’s not waste any time saying pre-battle speeches or breathing in any more of this awful flesh odor. You good to go, Will?

**Will:** Yeah. Some catharsis to get me jonesed up. Let’s go say hi to my little brother.

**Anna:** That’s the spirit! Let’s really whoop *ss!

**Rick:** Then let’s step through.

(Everyone nods and does so, stepping into the misty opening. Past the threshold they find themselves within miles of empty space shaped like the interior of a gargantuan pyramid, filled with hundreds of thin tubes all connected to something high up in the dead center of the core, above which hangs a whirling black hole that isn’t exerting a gravitational pull whatsoever. As the Jedi marvel all this and move forward, the door behind them shuts)

**Squishy:** (Looking around) Have any of you guys seen an interior this massive before?

**Sylvia:** Only the lab that you had been kept in, but it’s nowhere close to the scale of this.

**Sara:** What’s the point of having all this space anyway? It’s total overkill.

**Jo:** I’d have to say it’s a major case of overcompensation. Why make something intricate and elegant when you can just construct something twenty times more impractical instead? Still, an astoundingly wasteful way to appear impressive.

_WAStefUl iSn’t tHE WoRd: BALancE iS iTS reAl meAninG._

(Suddenly a flurry of digital cubes appear before the Jedi and arrange themselves to construct a large pixilated version of Henry’s head. However, parts of the head twitch with static and buzz from time to time.)

**Squishy:** Tron-O-Vision, nice.

_YouR uNdeRdevELoPed juDGmEnt, joSePH—tHe reSULT oF yOUr uNREfiNed exIsteNcE—fAIls tO pOInt oUt alL poSSibILItiEs foR A giVen ENViroNMenT’s pUrPosE. IT isN’T as CuT-anD_dRy aS yoU”Re noRmaLly aCCusTOmed To, unFORtuNaTElY._

**Jo:** Okay then Mr. Pixilated Overseer Know-It-All, what sort of cryptic, spiritually-uplifting meaning does miles of empty space and a black hole represent? Surely it’s too dense with allegory for me to decipher readily, oh mighty one.

_No NEEd foR sarcASm; thE meAnINg iS geNiuS in ITs siMpLIciTy. tHe greaT exPaNse wiTHin mY mInd rEPresEntS ROom foR arTIstic imPRovEmENt in My fICtion. THe seRIes of tUbEs abOVe yOu aRe thE thOUghts whICh fueL ANd reFResH thE heARt oF My liTERaRy dirECtiOn, whIcH is aLsO The soURcE Of poWeR fOr SEtA…… anD thE tHIng ThAt wIll fINaLly deSTroY aLL oF yOu >_

(The sound of pumping hydraulics fills the air and the thing in the center of the core begins to lower. It is revealed to be a bio-pod of some kind in the shape of an egg, with hundreds of tubes stuck to it. In seconds it is brought down and placed before the Jedi, who stand ready with a mixture of anticipation and dread)

_NoW, JEDi fLEshEs, yoU sHaLl sEe thE faCe oF MY ArTIstIc beAuTY, mY iNNeR amBiTIon, My tRuE paSSioN, tHe VerY imAGe… of sHEer PERfecTioN._

(A deep line forms down the middle of the bio-pod, splitting slightly to release a great hiss of smelly mist. The two halves of the pod widen further away from each other, revealing a deep greenish yellow glow within, a shadowy figure standing deep inside. When the two sides stop moving apart the figure moves forward slowly, becoming more distinct as it exits the ominous container. Eventually it steps out entirely and comes to a halt before the group, allowing them to register it as a, a, a, a, a………………. **Giant Pickle with Stick Legs and Clown Shoes?** Huh?? Are you sh*tting me?? What the f*ck, man?! **)**

**Jedi:** (Dumbstruck).............................. @_@!? :-O!? :-/!? :-t :-t :-t!! (Too stunned for regular speak btw, tee hee)

(The green salty abomination just stands there as the Jedi simply stare with mixed feelings of disbelief, shock, confusion, and a reaffirmation of just how bat-sh*t crazy Henry really is)

_ThIs… iS_ _ **InK SIKes**_ _ **:**_ _**PErsOnIFicATIoN**_ _ **oF tHe cREatIvITy aNd insPIRatIoN tHaT FIlLs my VEinS.**_ _He iS tHe pUResT dePICtiOn oF My briLliANce. A beACon oF fOrtUNe aNd OppuRTunItY, hE hAs bEEn aROUnd sInCE mY AWAkeNinG, anD haS seRveD As my muSe, My cOnstAnt, mY aLTer EgO, mY stALwArt guARdIaN. HiS DIVine ForM anD poWeR MolDs mY arT and pReSERveS MY ViSiON aGAinST unDESIraBlE inFlUEncEs. BeFOre hIm yOu FLesheS wiLl FaLL, aNd mY mINd wIll tHus bE CLEanseD oF tHE coNTRActoR’s fiLtH foR thE VERy laSt tIme._

**Abandon All Hope Ye Who Stand Within Me:**

** His Time Hath Cometh! **

(The pixel head explodes into a shower of cybernetic glimmers that disperse, just before a transparent wall pops up in the midst of the Jedi, separating Will, Jo, Sara, and Squishy from the others. These four look to the pickle creature, noticing it has assumed a defensive stance. Suddenly two stick arms sprout out of the body, each one tipped with a lightsaber, which it waves around as [battle music starts](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dWE0nlhpdq8))

# INK SIKES

(When the song truly kicks off, the briny embodiment leaps at the four Jedi and starts swinging in tune to the beat. Our heroes respond in kind and block and leap and parry the pickle, and when Sara and Will lock sabers, a third lightsaber arm pops out to block Jo’s back attack. However, Squishy does a slide to trip it up and allow Sara to land a hit, causing the pickle to spasm. The colors in the room change and get more hideous as flesh arms sprout out from the pickle, the whole thing mutating into a towering skin beast with fleshy, bony arms and legs and loaded with eyeballs, hopping about in a mad dance)

# INK SIKES' MADNESS

(The four Jedi face a deranged freak show that runs around the place cooing and summoning various projectiles such as sun-lotion frozen chickens in tutus and exploded burritos in boom boxes [WTF?]. However, despite its constant fleeing Will manages to anticipate its path and strikes it down, causing it to let out a screeching death wail that shatters the transparent wall and reunites the crew. But the abomination mutates even further, gaining buffed limbs, more height, a demon head, and whip tendrils in addition to the grotesque misshapen pickle body)

# INK SIKES' FURY

(The beast starts spinning its whips and makes a death turnstile of itself. All the Jedi duck and jump over the whips and get closer to the fiend. In response, the creature begins failing its whip arms, backing away to maintain distance. Rick manages to block and snag a tendril, as does Sally, Sylvia and Will, allowing Jo to charge and stab the fiend in the chest. The fiend reels back as everything turns to dark and begins flashing like a strobe light. The creature grabs its head and shakes it madly before pulling back and disappearing, causing the Jedi to fall into nothingness. As the music quiets down everyone finds themselves in a place of pitch black. Then, to the beat of the drums, several waterfalls burst from the void and form parallel lines around the Jedi which turn and meet far in front of them. In a flash they are now floating high in a sunny sky above the middle of a great, breath-taking waterfall bigger and more curved than Niagara. Some distance across from them they spot a knight clad in bulky black armor with his gloved hands resting atop the pommel of a large sword, draped with a black cloak and adorned with a helmet shaped like a pickle)

# INK SIKES' GLORY

(The warrior floats solemnly, immobile for several seconds. But when the gongs start crashing he grabs and draws back his sword, unleashing a wind burst that ruffles the Jedi and causes them to plummet. They fall several hundred feet before landing on a stone square atop the water’s surface, followed shortly by the knight who lands across from them and immediately charges with a wide slash. The Jedi reel back, and just as quickly start making leaps, dashes and ducks to avoid the heavy swings of the sword carried by the hefty body of the knight. The might of his swings are so strong they easier knock away Will and Rick, although Stan is able to grab onto an arm and distract him long enough for Sylvia and Anna to rush at him. The knight leaps back and throws the Jaa-Ruuk down at the ladies, but a leaping Sally intercepts him midair and kicks his back, sending him back to the arena on his knee. Sara is there to meet him, but he raises his sword to halt her saber, then rolls before Squishy can get at his side. Back on his feet he readies to charge, only for Cope to slide in and cross blades. As the knight readies to overpower the tall Jedi, he gets hit with a bolt of lightning from Anna, stunning him long enough to allow Cope to spin and neatly decapitate him. The headless knight drops his sword, staggers then falls backward. The music silences as streams of light shine from the gaps in his armor. Everything around the group begins to glow brilliant white until the glow of the knight blots out everything in an instant before going completely black)


	3. Chapter 3

# Section X_X

# …………..........

* * *

**April 1, 200X (Squishy Calendar)/**

**Take A Wild Guess**

**FYTK (For You To Know :P)**

(A tear cuts through the darkness, splitting the fabric of the void. A balding blonde, bespectacled head pops out and shakes about, squeezing his way into the realm. After some effort he plops out onto the empty space, bringing a pallet of orange and yellow colors to brighten up the place)

**Cont:** Oof, I’ve been putting on weight.

(Getting up and patting himself down, the white-suited deity looks at his surroundings)

**Cont:** Hm. Didn’t think he had so much empty space in his noggin. (Spots something) Ooh! (Waves) Hey!! You Guys! I finally found you!

(Show the Jedi walking onto the scene)

**Sylvia:** Contractor? What are you doing here?

**Cont:** Isn’t it obvious? I’m free as a bird, baby! You fellas broke Henry’s control over my powers by whooping his tail, and boy does it feel good to be a God-sta. Ha ha!

**Anna:** Don’t even try.

**Cont:** Well poo. Anyway, it must have been quite the fracas you guys faced, battling something so powerful in a strange place you never thought existed. But you came out on top like always. Superbly reliable, just the way I made ya’s.

**Jo:** You could’ve at least told us how ugly it’d be.

**Cont:** I didn’t think you’d end up here… then again, I hadn’t expected Henry to suck you into his head, either. But that’s done and over with. Right now I need to stretch my legs and perform a few miracles back home as gratitude for ousting that contender to the throne. You Jedi are absolute darlings.

**Sara:** Did you have any idea that Henry wanted to do this sort of thing to you and us?

**Squishy:** He totally did; he told me as much in my head earlier.

Jo: And you let it happen anyway? What the frickin’ frick, dude?

**Cont:** T-There’s no sense dwelling over all that; everything’s over and you Jedi deserve a rest. So let’s head home, my treat.

(A malignant ball of red and black vapors appears over Contractor’s head and floats around)

**Cope:** Uhhhh, what’s that?

**Stan:** Doesn’t look friendly.

**Cont:** Gahhh, it’s Henry, or whatever’s left of him. (Bats at cloud) So annoyingly persistent even without a body. I’ll take care of this. (Pulls out a can of “Soul-B-Gone” and chases after the ball of vapor) You get over here you punk spirit and take some of this! Away with you I say! (Keeps chasing it in circles, spraying all the while)

**Will:** Nice to see things are becoming kooky as usual.

**Squishy:** It certainly is.

**Sara:** Say, what about the SPARTAN us’?

**Stan:** Oh that’s right! I wonder if they’re okay.

**Will:** I’d like to know that myself.

**Jo:** I’m sure they’re fine wherever they are, though I’d like to thank them for helping us out.

**Cope:** Me too.

**Sylvia:** Same with me.

**Anna:** I would’ve liked to brag in Miss Imitator’s face about us getting their job done, and also for not having the balls to get shot out of a big-*ss cannon like we did.

**Stan:** Umm, neither of you have balls.

**Rick:** Seriously, Stan?

**Anna:** Oh ha dee flippity har. Either you’re one genius comedian to pull that one out, or you inherited your father’s literal-mindedness.

**Cope:** I’m betting the latter.

**Will:** Definitely.

**Sylvia:** At least he’s been spared his father’s love of terrible puns.

**Squishy:** But, but I thought you found it endearing!

**Sylvia:** It’s more your enthusiasm in saying them that I find endearing, dear. Apart from that, sacrifices are made on both sides of a marriage.

**Stan:** Seems I lucked out in that regard by the sounds of it.

(The Jedi have a good laugh. Meanwhile, the Contractor has caught up to the ball)

**Cont:** I finally got you, Spirit Boy! Eat aerosol!

(Sprays ball, but it shoots up out of sight, immediately followed by all the background colors switching to black and an ominous air filling the place)

**Cont:** Uhhhhhh, that can’t be good.

**Sally:** Where’d all the light go?

**Anna:** What’s the deal, Contractor?

**Cont:** I think he might have some power left. And by some, I mean a good deal left.

(The rumble of thunder is heard as cloudy darkness covers everything)

how can this be? it just isn’t right. why is it that the sloth is preserved? his work is sloppy, fatuous. is the sophistication of the public really that diluted? or is there merit to his output? Could it be… that my own vision is simply outdated?

……………..if that is the case, if his method is what is acceptable, then I shall make it _**MY OWN.**_

(Lightning suddenly flashes in the dead air, making the Jedi tense. In the distance, the silhouette of Contractor is seen every time a flash goes off. Through the flashes we see a cloudy ball approach Contractor’s head, and the moment he notices it shoots into him. He clutches his chest and groans as he falls to his knees, wrestling with something inside him. The Jedi look on with horror as they witness parts of their creator bulge out, accompanied by pained noises. Contractor pulls back and lets out an inhuman cry that increases the frequency of the flashes before all goes dark again)

* * *

(The Jedi find themselves standing atop a stone tower still surrounded by darkness. Far ahead of them, a specter hovers hunched over. When lightning flashes, the shadow person grows bigger and with rougher edges until finally it straightens up, revealing a great behemoth of a being with piercing, glowing white eyes. At the next flash, six wings burst from its back and beat slowly, each a different kind: Demonic, angelic, skeletal, mechanical, eagle, and batlike. Though far off, the Jedi can tell it’s easily a hundred times their combined heights. The creature makes a satisfied roar of unprecedented triumph that shakes the stone tower)

**Sally:** Where did that thing come from?!

**Jo:** And what happened to Contractor?

#  **THE CONTRACTOR IS NO MORE. HE AND I ARE ONE NOW. BUT I NEED NO NAME. I NEED NO TITLE. I AM MYSELF AND THAT IS ALL THAT** **MATTERS!**

(Rumble rumble rumble)

#  **THE FLUX OF HIS POWER IS INDESCRIBABLE! THE IDEAS, THE CONCEPTS, THE SCENARIOS, I HAVE IT ALL!!! THAT WHICH HAS MADE HIS WORKS SO NOTEWORTHY IS MINE TO WIELD!! I SHALL CAPTIVATE THE MASSES WITH HIS TALENT, AND NONE SHALL PASS ME OFF EVER AGAIN!!** **NEVER!!!!!!**

(Rumble rumble rumble)

**Stan:** He’s mad with power!!

**Anna:** He seriously fused with the Contractor? He’s really out of his mind!

**Cope:** Makes for one h*ll of a look, though!

**Squishy:** And _waaaaay_ too much volume!!

#  **JEDI!!! WHAT SMACK DO YOU HAVE TO SAY ABOUT ME NOW?!?! I AM THE LORD OF ALL REALMS!!!!! MY POWER IS UNMATCHED!! MERE CHARACTERS LIKE YOURSELVES CANNOT POSSIBLY IGNORE SOMETHING AS GREAT AS I!!!! I HOLD ALL THE MOTIVATION AND INSPIRATION A WRITER NEEDS TO BE IMMORTALIZED!!!!! ALL THOSE YEARS OF HUMILIATION AT THE HANDS OF CRITICISM ARE THROUGH!!! THEY WILL ALL SEE ME FOR MY GLORY, AND THEY WILL CAST OFF EVERYTHING THAT ISN’T BY MY HAND, INCLUDING YOU SORRY CREATIONS!!! THE WORLD NO LONGER NEEDS AVATARS LIKE YOURSELVES!!!! YOU ARE NOW NOTHING MORE THAN MENTAL COBWEBS TO ME, TAKING UP VITAL THINKING SPACE. I WILL HAVE YOU CUT OFF FROM MY MENTALITY,** **PERMANENTLY, ONCE AND FOR ALL!!!!!!!!!**

(Über Shadow Beast Henry raises a glowing clawed finger and makes a diagonal slash that is reflected onto the stone tower, splitting it. The structure rocks and slides until it collapses and disappears, leaving the Jedi to flail and scream as they plummet into a pit of utter silence and **THE END**... But instead of ending all crappily like that, something miraculous happens. Our falling heroes hit something flat and solid, and the camera pulls back to reveal it as a UNSC cruiser! What a twist! And walking up to our confused Jedi atop the cruiser comes their SPARTAN counterparts! Another twist!)

**Jo:** Pickles? Other us’???

**Pickles:** Boy was that a close one for you guys.

**P. Anna:** But as expected we saved your butts in the nick of time.

**Stan:** Ground oh sweet ground I’m alive!! (Kisses ship hull) Uh, not really ground, but still! (Goes on showing gratitude to ship metal)

**Anna:** What are you guys doing here? I figured you got annihilated or had gone home or something.

**Nikko:** Did you honestly think that we’d go down that quickly?

**Anna:** From a realistic standpoint, yeah.

**P. Anna:** Beh, realistic is for chumps. We live by improbable and suicidal, eh fellas?

**SPARTANs:** Hooah!!

**S. Squishy:** Besides, we got a job to finish. Our creator’s gone berserk and yours is MIA.

**Aliana:** So we’re all pitching in to finish this fight.

**Saghleekee’:** And I will do what I can in saving both our realms as well.

**Alex:** We can’t have you Jedi taking all the action on our turf, can we Goose?

**Goose:** Sure as heck no! We gotta make a mess outta him ourselves at some point! (Into a comm) Sammi, bring the _Enterprise_ up into this mutha’s face! (Gets a feminine “Roger!”)

(The cruiser rises up until it is level and far across from ÜSBH, placing the two sides in standoff mode as lightning continues to crack)

#  **SPARTANS??? YOU’VE COME BACK TO BOTHER ME IN MY ENDEAVORS YET AGAIN!?!?**

**S. Squishy:** Yep, and we’re gonna love every little bit of it.

**P. Anna:** Me especially. That’s just the way I roll, y’know.

#  **I STILL CAN’T BELIEVE YOU’D SIDE WITH THESE OUTSIDERS AND NOT WITH ME: YOUR CREATOR!!!! BUT IT DOESN’T MATTER. THE COMBAT INSTINCTS I HAVE BESTOWED YOU WITH ARE MEANINGLESS TO ME IN THIS SUPREME STATE!!! NEITHER YOU NOR THE JEDI CAN HOPE TO OVERPOWER OR EVEN HINDER ME IN THE SLIGHTEST!!!!**

**Pickles:** Well, heh heh, there’s just one little thing you forgot to consider, oh Creator of Ours. (Dramatic pointing stance) It’s called reinforcements, byaaaaatch!!

**(** At that swear, the airspace around the cruiser fills with hundreds and hundreds of rising ships both UNSC and Covenant, ranging from cruisers to frigates to gunboats and carriers, all gathering around the head cruiser like one super-pissed hornet swarm)

#  **WHAAAAAT?!?!?**

**Will: (** Overcome with surprise and growing excitement) Holy sh*t!!

**Squishy:** Dang, it’s the entire Covenant and Human fleets around here!! Putting it in Steezy-speak: TUBULAR!!

**Goose:** I say the odds are a little more even, wouldn’t you agree Alex?

**Alex:** Yep.

**S. Squishy:** Most definitely.

**Pickles:** Okay, you Jedi ready to go? This is the final assault!

**P. Anna:** That means no slacking!

**Stan:** Oh my god is this really happening?

**Rick:** Who said I was a slacker?

**Squishy:** Ah man it’s time to get pumped fo sho!!

**Cope:** Slap yourself for talking like that!

**Squishy:** Of course. (Slaps self) Ooooo so pumped!!

**Jo:** Hecks yeah let’s do this!!

**Goose:** Alright! Things are gonna get hairy real quick so don’t freak on us just yet. And I sure as heck better not catch any of you crapping yourselves atop my ship!

**Nikko:** Let’s get this show on the road already!

**Aliana:** Time to get bombastic, baby!

**S. Squishy:** Okay “Master,” we’re all set and ready to wail on your omega butt! Prepare for some serious pwnage: **SPARTAN-style!!**

(All the ships form up to begin the [grand, final battle](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cVgWczIMjfo). Within the _Enterprise_ ’s bridge)

**Hull:** The assault has begun! All ships, advance forward!

**Grunt:** Oh my God we’re gonna die!! No no I’m too young to—! (Gets grabbed by an Elite)

**Elite:** Pull yourself together you sorry waste of methane! It’s only just started so quit panicking! (Shakes Grunt harshly)

**Hull:** Deploy all bombers! Soften the target!

(Outside, hundreds of Longsword fighters, Seraphs, and Pelicans speed out from the main fleet and head for ÜSBH. Once within range they pull up and drop their payload, sprinkling the monstrosity with fire and plasma. He gives off an annoyed groan and swings his left arm around)

#  **INSOLENT GNATS, DEFYING ME AS WELL?!?! RAAAAA, WHAT SORT OF JOINT EFFRONTERY IS THIS????**

**Will:** He’s still talking!

**Goose:** You haven’t seen anything yet! Do it Sam!

**Hull:** All ships: aim main cannons at the target and fire away!!

(Now every single ship bristles with energy before firing a round. All the shots are fired almost simultaneously, resulting in a mega boom of uniform MAC and plasma volleys. They speed toward ÜSBH and hit him dead on, making him give off more groans of outrage as he’s bombarded with every projectile both factions can offer)

#  **WHAT IS THE MATTER WITH ALL OF YOU?!?!?! I AM YOUR CREATOR!!!!! YOU’RE NOT SUPPOSED TO ACT LIKE THIS!!!! I WANT GRATITUDE AND LOYALTY FROM ALL OF YOU, NOT REBELLION!!!!!!**

**S. Squishy:** He just doesn’t get it, does he?

**P. Anna:** I say we raise the heat!

**Goose:** Hear you loud and clear. Sammi, take us in closer and tighten the noose!

(Gets a “Roger.” The ships get closer and some of them begin to go around ÜSBH, firing more rounds along with some fighters. As the air around him becomes thick with betrayers, ÜSBH swipes his arms madly around while flapping his massive wings to get away)

#  **PESTS!!!!! ALL OF YOU PESTS!!!!!! CLUTTERING AND BUZZING AND BOTHERING, RUINING MY PEACE TO NO END!!!!!!! LEAVE ME BE!!!!!! BACK AWAY!!!!!!!!! ALL OF YOU BACK AWAY!!!!!!!!!**

**Cope:** He’s starting to sound right pissed!

**Goose:** He should be! (Into comm) Keep hammering that pompous self-loving manifestor! Yeah!!

(The ships keep getting closer and closer, pressuring ÜSBH more and more until he wraps his arms around himself and shakes violently)

#  **BACK AWAY!!!!! BACK AWAY!!!!!** **I SAID BACK THE F*CK AWAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!**

(His wings flap and blow off some of the ships as he pulls back his left arm, which is holding an _ü_ ber-sized plasma sword whose very size conjures a streak of lightning. With a mighty slash he brings the sword across his front, causing a whole line of ships to erupt into great explosions)

**Jo & Goose: **Great Googily-Moogily!!!

#  **GGGGGGGGGRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR** **AAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!**

(ÜSBH busts out a mega SMG with his right hand and unloads a spray of bullets. They scatter in all directions, taking out ships of various sizes)

**Squishy:** Great Terra Reid’s ghost he’s gone mental!!

#  **UNGRATEFUL PEONS,** **DISOBEYING MY WILL!!!!! YOU AREN’T WORTHY OF MY GRACE!!!!!!! YOU ARE D*MNED FOR YOUR INFIDELITY TOWARDS** **ME!!!!!! D*MNED YOU HEAR!?!?!?!?!!!**

(ÜSBH spreads his wings and does a 180, angling before shooting off and vanishing)

**Sara:** Where’d he go?

**P. Anna:** He’s making a break for it!

**Hull:** All ships, prepare for Slipspace. We’re entering pursuit mode.

**Nikko:** Hang on, people! Things are gonna get fast!

(All the surviving ships form up and point in a single direction, and then everything around them warps as they enter Slipspace. The Jedi are hit by the Gs of the intense speed)

**Jo:** Ahh! My face!

**Will:** F*cking Ludicrous Speed is what this is!

**Aliana:** I see him!

(Slowly but surely the black form of ÜSBH grows closer and closer to the pursuing fleet)

**Goose:** We’re catching up!

**Cope:** How’s this even possible?!

#  **WHAT???? GRAAAAAH!!!!! WHY CAN’T YOU LEAVE ME ALONE!!!!! GET AWAY FROM ME!!!!!!!**

(ÜSBH’s mechanical wing pops open its tips to let out several gargantuan frag and plasma grenades. They get into ÜSBH’s slipstream and fall back toward the pursuing ships before detonating in different spots, taking out some ships and filling the slipstream with thunderous booms)

**Stan:** Holy Crap!!

**Squishy:** Waaaaah!!

**Sally:** Omigod omigod this is too much!!!

**S. Squishy:** He’s getting desperate!

**Alex:** Too bad for him! We just got to keep pushing!

**Goose:** Stay with us guys; we’re nearly there!

**Anna:** Gonna lose my mind gonna lose my mind gonna lose it from all this sh*t!!

#  **YOU’RE STILL AT IT?!?! EAT THIS THEN!!!!!!**

(ÜSBH rolls over onto his back and brings out two monstrous Needlers, which he fires off at the fleet)

**Anna:** What the f*ck now?!

(Needler rounds shoot through the fleet, clouding the area and taking out more ships)

**Nikko:** The moron just made an opening! Now we can get closer!

**Goose:** Now’s our chance, people! Saghleekee’, you and Anna go activate the shields once we’re off!

**Saghleekee’:** Understood, Goose!

**Pickles:** Jedi! We’re moving in!

(Grabs Squishy and slings him onto his back, and the other SPARTANs pick up their counterparts, leaving Sylvia and the kids standing)

**Anna:** What’s the big idea???

**Squishy:** What’s with the man-handling?

**Goose:** Just hold on tight! The rest of you stay here!

**Rick:** Forget that!

**Nikko:** Then ya better keep up.

**Alex:** Let’s go!

(The SPARTANs along with their temporary cargo leap off the ship and onto passing Needler shards, leaping from one to the next to the next in rapid succession. Rick and his family follow suit, so that all the warriors are hopping from the projectiles, keeping quiet or yelling in fear from the speed of it all. At some point a lone Pelican flies up from below, and in the pilot’s seat is P. Anna)

**Goose:** Anna? What are you doing?!

**P. Anna:** I didn’t feel like staying behind, now hop on!

**Cope:** Once again, how is any of this possible?

(The SPARTANs and others jump onto the ship as it speeds up and weaves through the Needler storm, gaining on ÜSBH. Speaking of, the Needlers run out)

#  **WHAT!?!?!? GODD*MN USELESS LIMITED AMMO SUPPLY!!!!!!!!!!**

(He tosses the weapons in anger and resumes his flight. The Pelican and fleet steadily get closer and closer, but before they reach him he reenters real space, followed by the other ships. He flies off some distance and turns around, looking upon the fleet with rage)

#  **FAITHLESS CURS!! YOU WISH TO GET CLOSER TO ME?? VERY WELL; I SHALL**

**OBLIGE!!!!!!!!**

(ÜSBH raises his right hand, summoning the seven Halos to line up behind him within each other. Once together they begin to rotate and gyrate in different directions, becoming a massive dynamo that steadily increases gyration speeds. Then with a whump the Halos implode and in their place appears a black hole whose sheer size dwarfs ÜSBH. Flaring up with lightning and entropy it creates a powerful suction that pulls the entire fleet toward it, slowly beckoning them to doom. ÜSBH remains in place before his new calamity, laughing like crazy)

#  **THERE!!!!!! NOW YOU WILL ALL BE BROUGHT CLOSER, AND IN TURN BE ENVELOPED IN THE OBLIVION YOU SO DEARLY DESIRE!!!!!!!! THIS END IS MY GIFT TO YOU** **ALL!!!!!! BWAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!**

**Jo:** I take back what I said about SETA: THAT thing is huge!!

(The _Enterprise_ slowly pulls up alongside, with Saghleekee’ standing atop it)

**Hull:** This is very bad, everyone. That black hole is pulling in the entire fleet and we cannot re-enter Slipspace due to the gravitational pull.

**Saghleekee’:** It appears we broke the final straw.

**Will:** Well crud, where does that leave us? It sounds like we’re pretty screwed.

**Nikko:** No. It simply means the pussy-footing is over and we finally do some direct *ss-kicking!

**Sara:** How exactly?

**Pickles:** Henry is being held in place by those wings of his. We have to tear those suckers off and send him tumbling into his own black hole. It’s our one chance to end this before we wind up dead.

**Goose:** We’re gonna need everybody—Jedi and SPARTANs—to chip in for this one! There’s no backing out whatsoever!

**Alex:** It’s now or never!

**S. Squishy:** Thetime for our two realms to fight as one has come, folks, so let’s strut our stuff!

**Aliana:** Are you guys up for it?

**Stan:** Man, we honestly can’t catch a break around here.

**P. Anna:** You can moan and b*tch when this is over! We need some action from all of y’all!!

**Anna:** That’s right! I don’t know about the rest of you, but I wanna see this through.

**Jo:** Same here. We can’t let Henry beat us now that we’ve pushed him this far. Let’s remind him how strong the Jedi really are!

**Sally:** And how significant we are as characters!

**Rick:** And how foolish he was to step into our galaxy just to mess with us.

**Squishy:** That’s the spirit, kids!

**Sylvia:** No matter how much effort it takes, we’ll put him back in his place for good!

**Saghleekee’:** For the Covenant and all the lives I cherish!

**Cope:** If he wants a more dignified death, I’ll grant him one!

**Will:** It’s time to stand down, bro!

**Sara:** Always with you, Will!

**Stan:** For Sentina and all the dragons that wanted nothing to do with this, Bring It On!!

**Jedi:** We’re going for it!!

**Goose:** That’s what I’m talkin’ about!! Don’t hold any of that killer instinct back!!

**Pickles:** This goober is going down!!

**S. Squishy:** It’s time to shine!!

**All:** SUPER-DUPER EXTREME TEAM ATTACKS!!!!! HO!!!!!

(Everyone leaps off the ships and fly at ÜSBH, intent on delivering [a chaotic climax](https://youtu.be/P5vJQZNFSmg). Most of the group falls back while Goose and Jo get closer to the monster)

**Goose:** Outrageous!! MEGA-LARGE AMMO DUMP OF DEATH!!!! (He pulls out a huge triple-barrel fuel rod cannon) Jo! Dose me up!!

**Jo:** Gotcha!!

(Jo sticks out his hands and Force energy flows out, wrapping around Goose’s toy. The energy seeps into it and warps it, causing it to bust out and grow into a twenty-barreled monster of a weapon brimming with dozens of turret attachments and a second trigger that Jo mans)

**Goose:** Ladies!!

**Jo:** And Gentlemen!!

**Goose & Jo: **It’s Time to Open a Can of Whoop-A!!!!!!

(They pull the triggers and the mega-gun fires, sending a thick stream of bullets and other sorts of ammo that pound ÜSBH’s eagle wing. He shakes from the repeating shots as his wing is torn into ribbons before it blows apart entirely)

#  **RAAAAAAHH??!?!! WHAT HAPPENED?!?! WHAT DID YOU DO TO MY WING!?!?!!**

(The Joes pull back as the Copes leap in)

**Alex:** Precise!!

**Cope:** Without Mercy!!

**Alex & Cope: **SHROUDED DUAL STRIKE!!!!!!

(The tall look-alikes split off and launch at separate sides of ÜSBH. They mimic one another’s moves by leaping around the foe, leaving blur streams to reflect expert swiftness. After some jumping they both face each other above ÜSBH’s demon wing. Cope brings out his saber and Alex extends a crackling arm blade, and together they shoot down diagonally and pass each other, creating an X-strike that splits and destroys the wing to ÜSBH’s anguish and confusion)

#  **GAAAAA!!!!!!!! WHAT WAS THAT???!?!?**

(Now Will and Sara and their counterparts take over)

**Sara:** Coolies!!

**Will:** Killer!!

**Aliana:** Righteous!!

**Nikko:** And Kick-*ss!!

**Lovers:** LOVE’S TENDER PINWHEEL OF DOOM!!!!

(They all hold each other’s hands and form a ring)

**Sara:** Come on everyone! Love will keep us together!

**Aliana:** Devotion conquers all!

**Will & Nikko: **So schmaltzy...

(The lover’s ring starts to spin, producing an aura of flowers and other pretty assortments. Soon they spin fast enough to become a buzz saw of gaiety that zips off toward ÜSBH to neatly slice off his skeletal wing)

#  **NOOOO!!!!!!!!!!**

(The Annas step in)

**P. Anna:** Wicked!!

**Anna:** You Got That Right, Sista!!

**P. Anna:** HYPER MEGA DRIVE—

**Anna:** LIGHT SPEAR ATTACK!!!!

(P. Anna blasts off with her Pelican before turning around at full speed. Anna leaps onto the front of it just as it passes and brings up her saber as the ship goes faster. An energy shield flares up around the ship, turning it into a spear-tipped projectile that tears through ÜSBH’s mechanical wing with a sonic boom)

#  **F*CKERS!!!!!!!!!! ALL OF YOU ARE F*CKEEEEERS!!!!!!!**

(Next up: The Squishys! Ah H*ll yeah!!)

**Squishy:** Shall we?

**S. Squishy:** Indeed we shall!

**Squishy:** Funky!!

**S. Squishy:** And Grooooooo-vay.

**Squishys:** PANIC!!! DISCO LIGHT FEVER CATASTROPHE!!!!!!!

(They both strike Elvis poses as a huge disco ball fills the air above, prompting them to dance like crazy as lights flash everywhere. The heat of it all rises as more sweet moves are pulled off by the two. Finally they both strike powerful stances that causes the disco ball overhead to shatter and spray ÜSBH with big glass shards, tearing up his angel wing yet leaving it barely attached)

#  **STOP IT!!!!!!!!!! JUST STOP IT AND SUCCUMB ALREADY!!!!!!!**

(Saghleekee’ and Sylvia step up to the plate)

**Saghleekee’:** Courage. The Mighty Treasured Orb of Cleansing! (Puts hands together and bows head) Great and Noble Forerunners, bless my equal with your divine flame!

(An orange light ball appears and goes to Sylvia, where it gets absorbed and gives her throat a warm glow)

**Sylvia:** Wha?

**Saghleekee’:** Sylvia! (He pulls out and activates a plasma grenade) Let us finish this!!

(Saghleekee’ tosses the grenade at Sylvia, who opens her mouth and breathes out a stream of mystical fire that wraps the plasma grenade and makes it considerably bigger and multicolored. When she finishes, the fireball shoots up where Saghleekee’ springs to spike it downward at ÜSBH, where it finishes the angel wing in a brilliant explosion)

#  **NO!!!!!! PLEASE!!!!!! IS THERE NO END??!?!**

**Stan:** There’s still one wing left!

**Sally:** You know what that means!

**Rick:** Without question.

**Kids:** SUPER RAD SIBLING FINISHER!!!!!!

(Sally begins a song and a dance number and leads her brothers into a whirlwind of choreographed hype. The act is so uplifting that Rick and Stan float on Sally’s vocals, and once high up Stan bulges out his hidden muscles and nabs Rick for a throw)

**Stan:** Don’t screw it up, Rick! Yaa!!

**(** With a mighty heave Stan tosses his brother head-on at ÜSBH. Rick quickly reorients himself before disappearing into a series of shining slashes. Afterward he stands to the side of ÜSBH holding his lit saber straight out, while the one remaining wing glows with slashes that form the Kanji symbol for “the end”)

**Rick:** (In sexy Spanish) Thus I sever your last beastly tendril, and send you into the cesspool of your own making. Go with God.

(Sheaths his saber, which signals the wing to break apart into neat pieces, leaving ÜSBH’s back completely bare. Wingless, he finds himself struggling against the pull of his black hole. As he resists, his shadowy essence gets sucked away, making him shrink in size)

#  **IMPOSSIBLE!!!!!!! HOW COULD THIS ACTUALLY BE HAPPENING???? I AM A GOD!!!!!!** _**A GOD** _ **!!!!!!!!!! I HAVE TO REMAIN!!!!!!!!!! THIS REALM NEEDS ME!!!!!!!!!**

(He’s shrunken to the size of a normal person, and it is at that moment that he’s finally overtaken by the black hole and goes spinning backwards into it)

#  **GODD*MNED JEDIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII!!!!!!!!!!**

(He gets smaller and smaller as he falls further into the all-consuming phenomenon)

**Goose:** There he goes! Alllll the way down!

**P. Anna:** I say we beat him senseless for good measure!

**Will:** I’m up for some more.

**Pickles:** Whaddya say, fellas? Do we keep going?

**Jo:** Ho yeah! I’ve only just started!

**Anna:** It’s time he gets to feel _real_ pain!

**Sally:** Send that sucker packin’ with bruises!!

**Alex:** The “Lord” spoke some smack, so now we bust his back!

**S. Squishy:** Let’s get blasphemous on this fool, boys and girls!

**Squishy:** Randomness Foreveeeeer!!!

**All:** HUZZAH!!!!!!!

(The entire heroic crew goes [Freebird](https://youtu.be/bwqfwieV-mc?t=296) and plunge after the weakened ÜSBH. They find him tumbling in place, helpless and wide open for a ludicrous assault!)

**Will:** Special Strike!! (He slashes ÜSBH up with his saber)

**Aliana:** Feminine Drop Kick!! (Does flying kick on him)

**Goose:** SPARTAN Suplex!! (Gets all Wrestlemania on his sorry *ss)

**S. Squishy:** Kickbox!! (Kickboxes)

**P. Anna:** Boot To The Head!! (Boots him)

**Anna:** Angry White Female B*thh Slap!! (Slaps him hard)

**Jo:** Angry White MALE B*tch Slap!! (Does a slap himself)

**Nikko:** Heavy Ammo!! (Fires bullets into him)

**Will:** Even HEAVIER Ammo!! (Uses a gatling gun)

**Nikko:** Not THIS Heavy!! (Uses a battleship turret)

**Will:** Destroyer Of Worlds!! (Deploys atom bomb)

**Nikko:** Yeah I can’t top that. (ÜSBH gets hit with a humble bow!)

**Cope:** Bladed Shoryuken!! (Does an upward saber slash)  
  


 **Sylvia:** Super Kicks!! (Does bicycle kicks)

**Sally:** Super Trix!! (Pelts him with stale cereal)

**Squishy:** Tetherball!! (Beans ÜSBH)

**Jo:** Baseball!! (Whacks him with bat)

**Nikko:** Football!! (Launches foot ball)

**Cole:** Thrash Ball, Baby!! (Tackles hard)

**Sara:** Shoe Sale!! (Showers with shoes)

**Anna:** Jewish Wedding!! (A Yiddish man in a tux stomps on his head with foot)

**Sally:** SARs!! (Releases chemicals)

**Stan:** Claw Slash Fever!! (Slashes him up bad)

**Pickles:** Expended Warhead!! (Swings around a dead casing)

**Squishy:** Über Fan Service!! (Pulls out saber and a plasma sword and crosses them, looking bad-a** before delivering devastating attacks that rate 10 on the WOW! Meter)

**Saghleekee’:** Cannon Fodder!! (Punt kicks a Grunt)

**Grunt:** Why me?! (Explodes and does major damage)

**Kids:** Alien Nation!! (The kids land atop a huge Scarab that’s loaded up with every alien of the Covenant, and together they all fire into a yelling ÜSBH)

**Jo:** Remembered Comrades!! (The spirits of Lann, Gray and Sam Jackson rise up to deliver their own attacks before disappearing)

**Will:** Mr. Socko!! (Pulls sock out of pants, wraps around hand and pummels. A huge black-clad wrestler appears)

**Undertaker:** Where is that coward Mankind?? (Will points at ÜSBH, who receives a devastating Tombstone Piledriver)

**Sean Connery:** I demand another cameo!! (Breathes fire)

**Gandhi:** I’m so sick of all this violent sh*t!! (Slashes with cane sword)

**Davy Crockett:** For the Alamo!! (Stampedes with cavalry)

**Ninjas:** Pirate Scuuuuum!!!! (Angry ninja attack!!)

**Davy Jones:** We want nothing to do with ye!! (Shoots pistol)

**Kayla:** How could you not include me in this segment, Henry you baka!! (Does a kick-punch combo thrice fold) But I still love you. (Blows him kiss, which restores some of his energy)

**Jedi:** Hammer Time!! (The MC returns to crush the fool and take away whatever energy he regained and more!)

**Anna:** Incompetent Ramen Chef!! (A dorky ramen chef spills his brew all over ÜSBH, resulting in awkward burn damage!)

**Sylvia:** Family Bonding Time!! (Stan, Rick and Sally join her for a quadruple strike!)

**Squishy:** Giddyup!! (Mounts Sylvia and stomps ÜSBH)

**Alex:** SPARTANs Unite!! (All the SPARTANs unleash their shock blades at once)

**Cope:** Botched Ballot!! (The lost Florida votes smother ÜSBH)

**Rick:** I got nothing. (Does a boring slash)

**S. Squishy:** Failed Hobby!! (Tries to strum a guitar, only to play deadly sour notes)

**Squishy:** Successful Lifestyle!! (Rocks hard on his own guitar)

**Will:** Just Wanna Rock!! (Does a crunchy drum solo)

**P. Anna:** I just want to break stuff! (Smashes band equipment over ÜSBH)

**Sally:** Me too me too!! (Joins in the wrecking)

**Goose:** Heck we all do!!

**All:** Smash Fest!!! (Start breaking stuff all over ÜSBH)

**Sylvia:** Tail Whip!! (Whaps ÜSBH with her tail, lowering his Defense)

**Jo:** Cuz It Never Stops Being Funny!! (Delivers the dreaded double purple-nurple!)

#  **NAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHH!!!!!!!!!!! YOU SONS OF B*TCHES!!!!!!!!!!!!! WHY CAN’T YOU JUST MOVE ON?!?!?!?!?!?**

**Squishy:** Okay: Moving Day!! (Moving truck runs him down)

**Ricky Caldwell:** Garbage Day!! (Fires pistol while laughing)

**Aliana:** Waltz with Me, Nikko!! (They waltz with sheer veracity!)

**Alex:** Warthog Lauch!! (Rolls out a Warthog, fills its underbelly with frags and sets them off, sending it spinning into ÜSBH)

**Sally:** Fanclub Rally!! (Her rabid fanbase charge in and stomp all over ÜSBH trying to get Sally’s autograph)

**Saghleekee’:** Serious Muscle!! (Summons forth a pack of Hunters that tear up ÜSBH)

**P. Anna:** Seperated At Birth??? (Gravemind and Audrey-8 pop up and bellow poisonous breath)

**Squishy:** Stellar!! (The band Incubus rocks on by)

**Don Pachi:** Citrus!! (A rain of orange juice, suckas!)

**Anna:** Suicidal Penguin Pengy!! (Kamikaze!!)

**Rick:** I’m beginning to think this has gone on long enough. (Does a double slash)

**Bruce Campbell:** I told ya to be on the lookout for me. (Pops off pistols all Brisco County Jr. style)

**Stan:** In The Spotlight!! (Goes into soliloquy mode) Fighting for everyone. Fighting for our homes, for Uncle Steezy, for the whole galaxy. Sentina, I’m doing what I can: For All of Us! (Receives a triple damage bonus) Adrenal Fury!!! (Hulks out and goes to town)

**Dell Spokesman:** Dude, You Got An Error!! (Insincere thumbs-up and a blue screen ravages the fallen deity)

**Cope:** I like my sugar—

**All:** With Coffee And Cream!!! (The Beastie Boys bust a rhyme)

(The randomness continues on and on with everyone taking turns with fuel rod cannons, swords, pastry, home equipment, flower arranging, cars, trains, airplanes, brains, stains, obscure references by the boat-load, gibberish, blunt objects, regular blunts, W-2 forms, the city of Nassau, rabid politicians, it keeps going on and on much like the second half of that immortal song. But after an eternity of this senseless nonsensical beatdown ÜSBH stops tumbling, and from his chest the face of Henry pops into sight to dramatic sting music)

**S. Squishy:** Look: there it is!

**Todd From “Zoolander”:** Magnum!

**Goose:** We’re dealing the final blow here and now, soldiers! You know what has to be done!

**SPARTANs:** DISENGAGE!!

(All the SPARTANs put their hands over their chestplates and press a button, causing their suits to pull apart and come off, leaving them standing in their skivvies. Their armor gets pulled toward ÜSBH and the center of the black hole)

**SPARTANs:** Jedi!!!

**Jedi:** Right!!!!

(All the Jedi draw their sabers and immediately fling them at the falling armor. With perfect timing the lightsabers make contact with the suits just as they reach Henry’s face. The particle blades cut through the thick armor plating and break the miniature nuclear reactor within each of them, resulting in a megaton blast of energy equal to six Hiroshima bombings that makes everything go white)

(A split second later, everything returns to smooth darkness, though in its center floats the devastated ÜSBH, twisting and reeling from the dozens of explosions going off all over his body. The Jedi, P. Anna, Saghleekee’, Hull, and the now armor-less SPARTANs look on stone-faced at the sight, though some have smirks of accomplishment)

#  **NOOO... YOU… YOU FOOLS!!!! DO YOU… HAVE… ANY IDEA… AS TO WHAT YOU’VE JUST DONE??? YOU’VE DESTROYED YOUR CAUSE FOR EXISTENCE!! I BREATHED LIFE INTO ALL OF YOU!!! I AM WHAT MAKES YOU WHOLE!!!!!! WITHOUT ME……… YOU ALL WILL CEASE TO BE!!!!!! WAS THAT YOUR INTENT???? WERE THE LIVES OF THESE…… JEDI, REALLY WORTH SUCH SACRIFICE??????** **WERE THEY?!?!?!?!?**

**P. Anna:** Ahhhh, go stick it up that gravity well you call an anus; we don’t care!

#  **………….. IT JUST……… IT JUST CANNOT……….BE!!!!!** **HOW?!?!?!?!?!?!?** **WHYYYYY!?!?!?!?!?!?!?** **MRRRRAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!**

(ÜSBH thrusts up his arms in anger and dismay, and still roaring he drops like a boulder into the ether, silencing only after he’s submerged in the inky darkness far below. With his fall, streams of white begin shooting up from the depths, steadily brightening the void)

**Alex:** And good riddance.

**Sara:** Uhhhhh, is this really a good thing? If what he said is true, then that means all of you…

**S. Squishy:** Oh that’s nothing. Just the very loud yappings of a sore loser.

**Nikko:** What we just took down was the part of our creator that was still miffed about not being a part of your stories.

**Hull:** Which, in comparison to other parts of his mind, took up only a fraction of his thoughts. Or, more precisely, a fraction of a fraction.

**Will:** Are you for real?

**Sally:** Only a fraction of a fraction? But that thing was resilient!

**Saghleekee’:** Grudges usually are. Very rarely do they fully vanish from one’s mind, no matter how much time passes or changes occur.

**Chell-C:** You actually thought you were fighting the _entire_ headspace of our creator? You would have been crushed in milliseconds if that had been the case!

**Sylvia:** Wow, that’s rather startling to hear. But I suppose it’s similar to what the Contractor and the Financer represent in our dimension.

**Aliana:** Exactly! And luckily, the rest of our creator is cool with how things are. Well, actually it’s more that he flat-out doesn’t care. More important things going on in life, you know.

**Alex:** To your guys’ credit, that tiny portion was still something of a challenge, more so since you are outsiders. But you held yourselves quite well in spite of that.

**Goose:** Mad props all around, to both you and us. Together we worked together to solve a crisis and pulled off spectacular results.

**Pickles:** And though it was a fraction of a fraction, it had the potential to grow into seething bitterness that would negatively affect our creator’s mental health further down the road.

**Saghleekee’:** Suffice to say, this bit of mental cleansing was something best done sooner than later.

**Will:** I just find it really weird that we got sucked into my brother’s head by the anthropomorphic version of his lingering spite. Like, how does that even work?

**Rick:** After all we’ve been through and faced over the years, there’s really no point in asking.

**S. Squishy:** And despite how weird this all came about, you being here allowed us to kill two birds with one stone: ensure our creator’s mental well-being, and to keep him from harassing you in the future. Win-win on all sides!

**Pickles:** And with victory fully secured, I say we can properly relax.

**Stan:** Oh thank god. This whole trip’s been exhausting.

**Cope:** Amen to that.

**Anna:** I gotta say, you SPARTANs look pretty scrawny without your fancy armor.

**Goose:** Peh, as if! We’re far more ripped than any of your sorry selves! I’d be happy to take any of you on with just my bare mitts. (Presents and slaps guns) Yeeea, check that out: 100% augmented muscle, baby! Made on Earth and not some galaxy far far away. Accept no imitations!

**Aliana:** It feels so good to be out of those suits every once in a while, I’ll admit. Even with the augmentations they still get immensely sweaty.

**Jedi:** Yuggh...

**Saghleekee’:** Sylvia, I’d like to personally compliment your performance during the final assault. You fought like a proven warrior. I’m certain your entire species would make a noteworthy addition to the Covenant if all its members are possessed the strength and speed you exhibited.

**Sylvia:** (Blushing a bit) Really? Well, thank you. I’m of the military caste, and that’s a naturally honed—

**Squishy:** Are you kidding? My hon is the epitome of her species’ capabilities! (Leaps and wraps arm around Sylvia’s neck to hang from it) Check it out: Claws, teeth, whip tail, brains; the whole Ssi-Ruuk race is more than a match for you Elites. Also, she’s my wife, so she knows how to rock the hardest when it’s needed, if you catch my drift.

**Sylvia:** Squishy!! (Shakes him off)

**Sally:** TMI, Dad.

**Squishy:** (Holding cigar) Ahhh, but you know it’s true, sweet thang.

**Sylvia:** Still no reason to boast about it around people we just met.

**All:** Chortle chortle chortle!!

**P. Anna:** And let me commend our picture-perfect couple and their doubles for a most beautiful display of teamwork, cuteness and death-dealing.

**Sara:** We’re just born naturals like that!

**Nikko:** Same as how I’m a born killer.

**Aliana:** A born killer with a lovey turtle-dovey by his side for all eternity.

(Grabs onto and hugs her precious Nikko, being all cutesy and constrictive)

**Will:** Heh.

**Sara:** Don’t forget, Will, that you have your very own honey bun to smother your manliness as well <3\. (Also hugs up her man)

**Will:** Darn it! Ughhh…

**Jo:** Poor poor William. Held down by the constraints of a monogamous relationship, unlike suave ol’ me. Though I may be willing to make an exception...

(Eyes Hull, but Goose raises a fist with fire in his eyes. Jo backs off)

**Anna:** I’d also like to say how much bull crap it is that my gray-studded counterpart somehow managed to whoop as much *ss as I did today without the use of Force powers.

**P. Anna:** As much? Princess, I kicked twice as much booty as you did, and it was my hot piloting skills that got through you that little Slipspace chase.

**Anna:** You’re about as hot at piloting as the Rebels that got shot down during the first Death Star run. What besides your lousy word says you’re so great?

**P. Anna:** My credentials! (Presents UNSC piloting rings on fingers) Kiss the rings, b*tch!

**Anna:** Hold on: Let me apply some lipstick first.

(Flips two middle fingers and rubs lips with them while sneering at her pilot counterpart)

**All:** Guffaw guffaw guffaw!!!

(After catching their breaths everyone pauses to look around, noticing quite a lot of light pillars have sprung up in the intervening time)

**Squishy:** Soooo, I guess time’s up, huh?

**Pickles:** Yeah. You’ll be returning home along with the Contractor in a moment, and then everything will finally return to normal for both of our realms.

**Sara:** Will we ever see any of you again?

**Goose:** Maybe if our creator considers making a legit crossover, we might be able to work together again.

**Nikko:** And considering how awesome we performed, it’s probable.

**Sylvia:** But it’s a shame we couldn’t get the chance to talk some more, see more of your universe and so on.

**Alex:** Yes, tis a shame.

**Saghleekee’:** Your time here was far too short, we can all agree.

**P. Anna:** Speak for yourselves. Though, I suppose, I’ll regret not having the time to slap you space wizards into proper UNSC shape.

**Chell-C:** Don’t feel too bad on missing out on things, Sylvia. There really isn’t much to see here anyway, unless you’re ecstatic about hundreds and hundreds of planets inhabited by alien zealots looking to kill you... uh, with the exception of real stand-up guys like Saghleekee’ here.

**Hull:** It still would’ve been nice to talk with all of you for longer. Hopefully that can happen in the future, under more amicable conditions.

**Pickles:** Until such a time, we bid you Jedi an honorary SPARTAN farewell.

**Saghleekee’:** And our heartfelt wish for your continued and preserved existence in your universe.

**Jo:** We appreciate that, and an honorary Jedi farewell to all of you as well.

**Sally:** See ya’s!

**Rick:** So long.

**Sylvia:** It was good meeting you.

**Cope:** Live long and prosper.

**Sara:** Take care!

**S. Squishy:** Sayonara, Squishy the Jawa.

**Squishy:** Sayonara, taller human me. It’s been _ü_ ber.

(As light pillars shoot up between the groups, the two sides face each other and give parting waves. As the brightness intensifies, the two universes lose sight of each other when an all-cleansing, deafening white covers everything)

[ **Returning...** ](https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13478406/24/Steve-Warz-Trilogy-10)


End file.
